


i've said goodbye set it all on fire gotta let it go

by alittlebitlove



Series: 17 [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M, Pining, They Are Idiots, i swear i don't understand it either, in which i'm trying to be witty, it's basically three-personas Harry, other boys are barely here tbh, somebody should stop me from writing things like this, there are columns as well, this is just a bunch of things that make no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 21:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitlove/pseuds/alittlebitlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Harry's a (very) famous school columnist but also a (very) nerdy Marcel and a (very) gay 17-year-old and Louis is a school jock with it a bit of an (unknown) crush.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've said goodbye set it all on fire gotta let it go

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the most senseless thing I've ever written and I'm sorry, I truly am, because this wasn't supposed to become a thing. This is truly ridiculous and this time I'm not kidding. I don't how it almost has 10k words, I really don't. But I still kinda sorta like it so there's that too. Title's from the song by Avril Lavigne "Let Me Go" just because. Enjoy! :) xx.

_Hello, fellow students of McKinney High,_

_It's HS here to kill your boredom with his amazing humour and secrets you will only ever find here. Before you say anything, yes I_ am _funny. If you can’t admit that, then you’re delusional. Also, I’m not being sarcastic here. I swear. I’m 100% honest. You can put me under the detector, it’ll tell you the same thing. I’m not a good liar, that I can tell you. If I ever need to lie, you’ll caught me blushing and stuttering while saying something as cliché as “my dog ate my homework”. I try, I really do, but it never works out and my mother only ends up laughing in my face. It’s embarrassing and I’m not sure if this will end my fame for good or if it’ll only rise it. You know what sometimes happens, embarrassing things only shoot someone’s fame even higher._

_Like that time when that kid from Union J stumbled and spilled his drink all over some famous-as-shit celebrity at Leeds festival and then ended up all over the newspapers the next day. Hopefully, that happens to me. Not spilling-my-drink-over-some-famous-as-shit-celebrity thing but the fame one. Sure, people reading this are only you –my fellow classmates, and students of this shithole, but it’s still better than nothing – or I keep telling myself that. You’re a fine audience though, don’t you frown at this newspaper. That’s not nice. I want to see you smile and grin and say “yes I’m a great, great supporter of HS and I’m going to follow his shot to fame till my heart stops beating.” I’d say I’m sorry that fame is getting to my head but then I’d be lying and, like I’ve already said, I don’t know how to lie so that’d be pointless. Though you wouldn’t know I was lying but the guilt about it would still be there. It wouldn’t be fair to you, my reader, so I’d rather be selfish and a stuck-up than a liar. I have my pride as well as everybody else. I have to keep it._

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

Harry tries not to smile when he sees every single student holding a newspaper, reading franticly as if their life depends on it. It’s ridiculous really, how that one column changed his life six months ago. He didn’t expect that. It was just that he was bored with editing someone else’s words when he could’ve been writing his own. So he asked the editor and it was settled. It’s probably a good thing the editor is also his best friend, because he’s sure he wouldn’t get the job if it’s anyone else. The truth is, Harry’s not popular – not even close to it. He might as well be the dorkiest guy in school. With the glasses that are too big for his face, preppy clothes, silk-back hair, and the best grades in school, he’s meant to be a social reject.

It doesn’t bother him really, especially after he’s started writing a weekly column for the school’s newspapers. Nobody knows who he is but everyone loves it. Harry sees it on their faces, hears it in the whispers spread down the hallways, and feels it in the excitement it takes over the school every week. Harry’s proud of himself. He is. Because he lets his other side show pass the doors of his bedroom. And yeah, nobody really knows he has bunch of tattoos all over his body or that he’s a rebel deep inside or that he likes listening to indie and rock more than a classical music, as people think. So he’s glad he can show his true persona at least in one way, if he can’t in the other. He guesses that’s why nobody ever figured out it’s him, even though initials are quite telling. He doubts anyone knows his real name though. A nickname ‘Marcel’ got around quite a bit. Not that he’s bothered. Not anymore. It’s fine because he’s HS and he’s fucking famous. What matters except from that?

 

_Hiiiiiiiii, peeps!_

_HS here. I hope you’re enjoying this fantastic day because I sure am. The sun is shining, everyone is smiling, and it’s a perfect day for fun. Well, if you don’t have school till 4pm, then I pity you. Lucky for me, my school day will be over right after I finish this so you can enjoy reading about the day before. So, it’s Tuesday and it’s sunny and I only have three classes! I’m thinking about getting a new tattoo. Maybe a rose this time. It seems nice, you know? Roses are nice. I probably have too many tattoos already and I don’t even know if it’s a smart idea to get another one but I love them. They look nice and they tell a lot and they’re your secret to keep, if you want to. So yes, I have a lot of tattoos and I love them all. It doesn’t matter that some people who saw them think they’re ridiculous. They’re wrong. They just don’t get them. I don’t expect them to. I like them being my little secret as well as their meaning._

_Enough about me though (it never is enough but I’m gonna make an exception now). Let’s talk about the football game that was on Friday! Louis Tomlinson definitely owned it. Good job, mate, that goal was something. I’ll be honest, I’m shit at football. I wouldn’t be able to play it even if my life depended on it. The common knowledge should be that, I understand the game and because of that I should probably be better at it than I really am. So Louis Tomlinson owned the whole game and I’d like to thank him for the win. Sure, Niall Horan wasn’t bad but he lost the ball that was a sure thing. I can’t forgive that so easily. But I bet you’re going to read about that a lot more in the sport’s section. I’m a bit useless. I can only criticize subjectively which is not exactly fair in this kind of situation. I love Louis Tomlinson too much to see anything bad, but shhhh you can’t let him know that. I’d come off as creepy and I swear I’m not. Creepy, that is. There’s nothing bad about being someone’s huge fan, right? Well, Louis Tomlinson, you just happen to have one._

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

He’s not sure, but he’s almost sure that Louis Tomlinson started dating Eleanor Calder two weeks ago. It’s the first time Harry sees them together at least. He’d be lying if he says he’s not bothered with it, because there’s this hot, burning jealousy inside of him and he’d like to kick Eleanor Calder’s ass quite a fucking lot. He is pretty much in love with Louis Tomlinson ever since the boy walked into the same class he was already in, on the first day of school. Harry was only six but he believed the boy is the most beautiful thing in the world. He’s infatuated ever since and it’s started to be a problem long time ago. Watching Louis dating girls is one of the worst of it all. Because he’s a boy and he’s a dork and he’s sure Louis never notices him – or maybe he does but only if someone makes fun of him. So it sucks and Harry really, really hates it. All he wants to do is ravish the boy to pieces but he’ll probably never get the chance. Louis isn’t gay and he’s not going out in gay bars in Manchester to see the real Harry.

Yeah, there’s another secret Harry’s been hiding. He’s going to Manchester every weekend in his full undorky glory and spending his time at some different gay bar every time. And even though people tease him for not even ever being kissed, he’s kissed too many guys to count, gave and received same number of blowjobs and handjobs, been fucked three times and fucked two guys. So his life’s not bad, except from school. Sometimes he wishes he’d walk in as _Harry Styles_ not _Marcel The Dork_ but it’s all about the pride and something he’s been carrying on for as long as he could remember. So he’s Marcel The Dork in school and Harry Styles everywhere else. He feels like Hannah Montana most of the time. He even knows how to sing and he’s famous among the students as HS. He laughs at himself and feels ridiculous all over again.

Back to Louis Tomlinson though. So he’s started dating Eleanor Calder who’s probably the hottest girl in their school. And Harry would like that he has anything bad to say about her but, the truth is, he doesn’t. She’s nice and kind and she even helped him a few times when he got kicked in the shins or head or stomach or whatever other part of his body and he wishes he despises her but he really doesn’t. No, he just despises her for dating his crush. Still, there’s nothing he can do about it. Marcel’s useless like that. He’ll just have to deal with it. It’s not like he didn’t manage for all these years. Seriously, it’ll be a piece of cake. He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince more.

 

_Hello, McKinney High,_

_HS on your service again. I bet you’re eating my words up as you’re reading them and I love it. You may not know this but my favourite part of Wednesday is watching everyone reading my column with this crazed look on their faces. It’s great. I love the attention so much I almost shout everyone in the room that it’s my column you’re reading right now. But I don’t want to and you probably wouldn’t believe me so it’d be useless. Not that I’m complaining. I love the way everything’s wrapped up under the covers with almost no one knowing who I really am._

_I can tell you that only two people know and I’m still surprised and baffled that nobody’s said a thing, even when asked. I love you two, you’re great people, even trustworthy which is a bit shocking. But I’m happy to have you by my side nonetheless. That’s enough of sap though, innit? You’re not here to read about me thanking the people who are keeping my secret, especially when you’re probably dying to know who I am. Tell you what, fellas (and ladies), that’s not happening. I don’t think you even need to try anymore._

_In a meanwhile, Eleanor Calder looked gorgeous today with Louis Tomlinson wrapped in her arms. Yup, I said that. El is gorgeous. Louis is too. I’m not sure how gorgeous they are together though. It’s a topic to think about, don’t you think? I mean, try to understand me. I had a crush on one of them for the longest time now and I’m the jealous type so making an objective opinion on their gorgeousness is a bit hard. I bet at least one of you knows exactly how I feel so you should feel sorry for me. Also, you have only one guess at the mystery that is ‘who I have a crush on’. ;)_

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

There is a lot of whispering going on on Wednesday when the column sees the light. Harry feels slightly flattered and slightly smug because the people are so occupied with the topic called “Who does HS have a crush on????” that they don’t even throw a “geek” or “fucking faggot” his way as he walks towards the cafeteria. Half of them is convinced that Eleanor is the one who’s his heart has been craving for. Then there are the ones saying he’s obviously bluffing, others are unsure of what the hell to think about, mostly because they like Eleanor themselves, and there is only one small amount of them questioning if maybe he’s not straight and has hots for Louis Tomlinson. Which, if you asked Harry, is quite damn obvious and sometimes he’s baffled at how stupid and in denial the students here are. He thinks of his next column and wonders if he’s brave enough to ruin HS’s fame. Maybe.

He feels like throwing the fact that he’s gay at people’s faces just to see if they’ll start being disgusted by him like they are with Marcel. He’s not sure though because it’s a risk and he likes his fame, no matter how small and insignificant it is. Still, he’d like to show those people wrong. Because one part of him despises them and their homophobic slurs and behaviour and he just wants to give them a piece of mind. That also means admitting his crush to Louis Tomlinson though which he’s definitely not ready for. He’s not ready for Louis to beat him to death if he ever finds out who he is or badmouth him in any way and yeah. He’s not sure what to do.

He’s sits at the table next to Liam who’s talking about the next big news he’s going to put in the newspaper and Harry stops listening half way through because he’s heard it millions of times already and he’s sure Liam’s opinions didn’t change much. The thing is, Liam rarely changes his main plans, always sticks to them so listening to them all the time is pretty much useless. Unless you want to kill him. Then it’s perfect.

Harry sees Louis walking in with Zayn and Niall next to him – without Eleanor which is surprising because they’ve been attached to hip ever since they started dating but. Who is Harry to complain? He’s watching Louis until he sits at the table with other jocks and laughs at something Niall’s said, his eye crinkling and his hand covering his mouth, like he’s ashamed. Harry would really like to remove it and kiss that smile off his face, even though he adored it a bit too much. Kissing is even better. He licks his lips unintentionally but looks away quickly after he realizes he’s been staring for far too long. Even Liam shut up and is now watching him like he’s the new world wonder.

“What?” He asks and blinks slowly, hoping he’s not too obvious. Of course Liam knows about his crush. Everyone who knows him know about it… and that’s basically only Liam but the point still stands.

Liam shakes his head with a hint of smile on his face. “Nothing. You’re just so obvious.” He smirks at him and Harry frowns, staring at the sandwich in his hands. Well, it’s not like he can help it. His mother’s always telling him how he wears his heart on his sleeve which yeah, is probably true, but he hates it. He wishes he could mask his feelings better. He just guesses he’s not that type of a person.

 

_If you’re reading this, then I’m still alive._

_Which is weird because that means LP hasn’t killed me yet. I guess he has a good heart after all. I don’t want to jinx it though. Maybe he just wants me to write one more column before offing me. I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s kind of excepted when you end up making out with his a year younger brother. Oops. I’m a bit of a slut. Well, I just don’t do relationship. I like making out with the cute boys though. And LP’s brother was_ definitely _cute. Wait, am I allowed to say that? A part of me believes that LP is going to delete all of this or not publish it at all. Although, the other part thinks he loves me too much to do so. Let’s hope for the latter._

_I like confessing my affairs a bit. It’s going to be interesting – watching all of your reactions, what with me hinting that I like cock A LOT more than pussy (hint hint nudge nudge) and saying I made out with my editor’s brother. Well. I never brag a lot, even if I have a lot to brag about but maybe I should start. Make you all uncomfortable and stuff. I think it’d be a great material when I want to make myself laugh._

_Okay, so I’m aware that this school is really homophobic and that gay kids get laughed at and teased every day. Which, I’d like to say, is really pathetic of all of you because they’re probably getting laid more than you ever will. Just something to think about before you write “faggot” on a kid’s locker. There’s a huge chance my doubtless fame will completely drop because of this but I’m taking a risk. I never liked to pretend I’m someone that I’m not. It’s tiring and it takes every bit of your damn time to do so. Yes, maybe I’m hiding behind the screen name now and maybe even with the way I look but that’s my choice. That’s still me. I’m a complex person and I like to show every part of me there is to see, even if some parts of me aren’t shown to the huge amount of people. So yeah, here I am, saying that I’m gay and proud. And also that I snogged LP’s younger brother. He wasn’t bad. ;) (Try not to edit this, Li, please?)_

_Hopefully, till the next time,_

_Still yours truly, HS_

“I still can’t believe you published all of it.” Harry says and shakes his head. One corner of his lips curls into a little smile, his dimple popping out just a bit. Liam glares at him though, and Harry knows he’s still pissed. Well, he couldn’t help the fact that he’s a good looking and that all the boys want him (at least outside of a school). And besides, Liam’s brother really is cute and Harry couldn’t resist. It’s not like he gave him a blowjob or something. God.

“I swear, if you write something like that one more time, you’re out of the newspaper business for good.” Liam says and takes a deep breath. He’s raging inside, Harry could tell.

“I only published it because you came out and I couldn’t formulate it in any different way, except if I wrote it all over again which would be a disaster. But if you ever kiss my brother again or write about your affairs like you’ve promised there, you’re out.” He gives him a stern look and Harry’s not sure if he’s kidding or not. Sometimes Liam can be very convincing. Harry hopes he’s not serious.

“Aww, Li, you love me too much to let me go.” He smiles brightly and ruffles Liam’s hair. He’s acting more freely because the classroom is empty so he can be _Harry_ when he already wants to be. Seriously, sometimes he wonders why he’s gotten himself into whole this mess anyway. He just makes weird decisions more times than not.

“Don’t be so sure.” Liam says but Harry can feel the affection in his voice and there’s a hint of a smile so Harry knows he’d never do that. Besides, writing those columns is his only escape and Liam knows that very well. He’d never take it away from him. They know each other for far too long to act like some kids. Or well, stuck up kids, better to say, because they were still as childish as ever.

People start to walk into the classroom and there’s only one more period left before everyone will read his column and he’s nervous as fuck and he doesn’t know what to expect. The thing he’s the most dreading of though, is Louis. Now, he’ll know it’s him and yeah. Harry still doesn’t know how to deal with it. What if he calls him out? What if he sends him a threatening e-mail or something? There is an e-mail that people could use to send their critics and stuff, and Harry rarely gets them but. He never knows what the fuck to expect. He’s visibly shaking so he feels Liam’s comforting hand on his shoulder. He squeezes it and whispers in Harry’s ear that it’ll be fine. Harry really, really hopes that’s true.

*

It’s a mess, so to say. People are shouting and there’s a rapid screaming going on. Some of them throw the papers in the bin, some of them are discussing it furiously with one another, some of them don’t seem to care, and some are smiling. There’s a lump in his throat and he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from all of the students in cafeteria right now. He’s sitting though, so he can’t pass out or something as equally embarrassing – or he thinks so at least. It’s fine. He expected this. It’s nothing surprising. People are reacting which is good. It means he did something. He made them want to discuss, made them mad and maybe even made them think. He hopes it won’t all go to shit. He can’t be sure though and he hates that. He won’t exactly know what people have decided until the next week. This maybe did end his shortly lived, small career after all.

Then Louis walks in and four or five of his mates are at his side immediately, showing the newspaper at his face. Harry’s eyes are wide and he’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s outright staring. He’s biting his lip and he’s sure it’s going to start bleeding soon. He sees Louis frowning a bit, his face all scrunched up in an adorable way and Harry wishes that expression isn’t going to be changed to an ugly, mad one. God, he hopes he didn’t cross any untold boundaries. Well, they couldn’t have even been told when they don’t communicate at all. Harry really wants to change that. He’s just not brave enough. Fuck Louis Tomlinson and his popularity.

Louis looks up after a few seconds, his face still confused. Suddenly, it seems like everyone has stopped talking to hear Louis’ reaction. Harry wishes that he doesn’t have to hear it. He thinks of covering his ears but then Louis opens his mouth and, instead of doing what he thought he would, he’s still watching him.

“What about this?” And Harry’s shocked. He really is. Louis’s not stupid. Harry’s quite sure he knows what his friends are talking about. He reads his columns. He saw it. So what the fuck?

“Mate, he says here he’s gay and the last week he said he has a crush on you, or Eleanor. Don’t you know what the fuck this means?” Niall asks frantically, his hands flying all over the place. Harry wishes he’s sat further down, so he doesn’t have to hear them. But he’s not and he’s afraid and what if Louis only caught up? Fuck, fuck, _fuck._

“That he has a crush on me?” He asks and everyone nods like they’re marionettes and not jocks. Well. “I don’t see a problem?” Harry’s gaping. He’s one hundred percent truly gaping because what? This can’t be possible. Louis can’t be chill with the fact that some guy has a crush on him. These things don’t happen in real life. At least Harry has never experienced it before. Well, if they aren’t gay of course. And Louis has a _girlfriend._ What the hell?

“Are you serious?” Zayn, his other best mate, asks and he’s gaping as well. No, the whole cafeteria is gaping so Harry’s not that obvious. He wants to dance, and cry, and laugh at the same time but he’s keeping himself in place. Somehow. He wants a medal for it.

“Yes? I don’t see anything wrong with it. A guy has a crush on me, so what? In fact, I feel flattered.” He’s smirking as he’s walking towards the jocks’ table and Harry tries to deny the fact that Louis glances at him. He really doesn’t. Still, Harry’s blushing and looking at the table because that’s all he can do. There’s just no way Louis Tomlinson looked and smiled at him, even if it’s possible that he accepted the fact that HS has a crush on him. This day is not going as planned at all and Harry loves it. Shit, he’s never been so smitten with somebody. If only he hates it.

Liam comes by minutes later and he looks curious and confused even more. “Why are people saying Louis Tomlinson said he likes the fact that the guy fancies him?” He asks Harry and Harry smiles so big that his dimples are on the full display and he’s positively so damn happy and he just wants to go over to Louis and snog him senseless.

“Because he’s said so in front of everyone.” Liam’s mouth open in shock just like everyone else’s did and Harry’s over the moon the whole lunch, talking a bit too much and way to excitedly but. No one could blame him. There is a bit more of a chance now, okay? There is, even if he’s a coward and he’s not sure how much he wants to be in a relationship. The only thing he’s sure of, is that he wants Louis like no one else and he hopes with everything that one day Louis will notice him. Maybe he even did today. He can’t stop beaming for the rest of a day.

 

 **_From:_ ** _louist@gmail.com_

 **_To:_ ** _hsofficial@gmail.com_

 **_Subject:_ ** _Uh, hi?_

_Um, yeah, I’m sorry I have no idea how to start this. I’m not a writer like yourself and I’m not as quite as good with words. So yeah, sorry. It’s Louis Tomlinson, if you haven’t figured it out already. I just wanted to thank you, I guess. I mean, what you did was brave – admitting that you’re gay and all. That’s kind of amazing really. I just want you to know that I’m flattered. I have no idea if you know what happened in a cafeteria today because, well, I have no idea how you look like so I can’t know if you were there or if you talk with people who told you already. So. I thought that by doing this, I should let you know. There’s more I’d like to say though, but I’m not sure if I should. Can I trust you? Sorry if it sounds stupid, I’m just a bit scared I guess._

**_From:_ ** _hsofficial@gmail.com_

 **_To:_ ** _louist@gmail.com_

 **_Re:_ ** _Uh, hi?_

_Hiiiii, Louis Tomlinson! I’m glad you’ve sent this e-mail to me. It means a lot coming from you. To be quite honest, I didn’t expect this kind of reaction. I thought that you will hate me and try to ban me from ever writing columns again or something. This was a surprise but a pleasant one for sure. And to answer your question, everything you say here is confidential. Okay, I know I sound way too official but I think it has much more effect like that. So yeah, you can trust me. I won’t say anything to anyone you don’t want. And besides, I don’t have a ton of friends so there wouldn’t be anyone really interesting or popular to say anything to. So you don’t have to worry, I promise ((By the way, I was in cafeteria at that time. :))_

**_From:_ ** _louist@gmail.com_

 **_To:_ ** _hsofficial@gmail.com_

 **_Re:_ ** _Uh, hi?_

_That’s good to know, I think. It’s a bit hard for me. I’ve never said this to anyone and I don’t even know why I want to say it to you. But I do. So if I can trust you, I think I could do it. I’m just… I’m scared and I think you know how that feels – or you knew before at least. I’m. I’m gay. There, I said it. And I’m afraid. I’m so fucking afraid of it and I was in denial for a very long time but then this one guy showed up and I couldn’t deny it anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to fake it as well and I just have no fucking idea what to do. It’s suffocating – hiding and everything. One part of me believes that I can tell my mum and she’ll love me just the same. But the other part thinks she’ll throw me out of the house so I have no idea what’s the right thing to do. Besides, my feelings for this guy are getting stronger and I want to do something about them but Jesus fuck, I’m so afraid of doing anything that I start to cry when just thinking about it. I don’t know what to do and I’m not expecting you to be some kind of an expert who’ll know what to do right away. I just felt like I’m going to feel relieved once I say it to someone. I’m sorry it had to be you._

**_From:_ ** _hsofficial@gmail.com_

 **_To:_ ** _louist@gmail.com_

 **_Re:_ ** _Uh, hi?_

_Well, this is definitely shocking. I’m baffled. I didn’t expect you to be gay. Maybe I never really thought of it as a possibility, or I just turned a blind eye to it, because I thought it couldn’t be possible. I feel honoured that I’m the first person you’ve said this to, and I swear that this won’t leave my inbox. I just want you to know that it gets easier. Once you get used to that fact and accept yourself, you’ll feel more satisfied and you’ll start to see all the possibilities and believe me, there are plenty. I know how hard it is at the beginning but take a deep breath and assure yourself there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Because there’s not. We were born like this and nothing’s going to change us. Don’t let small minded people let you believe otherwise. You should feel proud of being who you are. Just because you’re a jock and just because our school is quite of a homophobic place, doesn’t mean you don’t have to be true to yourself. I’m not saying that you should come out to everyone. First, come out to yourself the way that’s right. Don’t let yourself believe that you should change, because you can’t. And I don’t think you want to either. It’s all going to settle down soon, believe me. I should know. :)_

_Also, when it comes to that guy, take small steps. Approach him, let him know you notice him, give him small glances and gestures to show him that you want something with him. It doesn’t have to be obvious but if he’s not stupid, he’ll pick up on it eventually. And when you’re ready, kiss him or ask him out or whatever you feel most comfortable with. I’d go with it at least. :) .xx_

**_From:_ ** _louist@gmail.com_

 **_To:_ ** _hsofficial@gmail.com_

 **_Re:_ ** _Uh, hi?_

_Thank you. I really mean it. It’s nice to hear that – that it gets easier. I hope it does. I really do. Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to do the same thing you did. Maybe there will be enough courage in me to approach the boy I like. I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m ready yet but hopefully, it’ll change soon. Thank you one more time. I appreciate it as well as I appreciate you. :) x_

The next day Harry still thinks it’s all a dream – all a part of his imagination. But fuck, that really happened and e-mails are still there and _what the actual fuck?_ Never in his wildest dreams (okay, maybe there) did he think that Louis Tomlinson will turn out to be gay. It’s mind blowing, it really is. He tries hard to tell himself that it means nothing. Louis already has a crush on somebody else so there’s no way in hell Harry will get him somehow. At least he knew he’s never stood a chance when he thought Louis is straight but like this… maybe it hurts even more.

He tries to push it away though, because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t because he never does romances. He kisses and fucks people. He doesn’t need relationship and especially not with Louis motherfucking Tomlinson. If he’d wanted to, he could’ve found himself a boyfriend easily. It’s not like they never wanted more, even if he’d only blow them in a bathroom of a steamy nightclub. So Harry shouldn’t be jealous or want something with Louis. It probably wouldn’t work out anyway.

He throws himself on a bed of his unmade room (which is weird for him) and closes his eyes, letting his mind drift somewhere else.

 

_Would you look at that!_

_New column! Ha! That means I’m still alive and well enough to type this out. You should feel happy. LP is still a good person. I thank all the mighty someone for it because I sure as hell haven’t lived long enough. I’m looking forward to my life even more now! It’s true! I’m using too much exclamation points now, aren’t I? I’m sorry for it, I really am, but only a few hours have passed after a great sex so it’s a bit hard not to be too excited._

_Anyway, I’d like to thank Louis Tomlinson for being so supportive and chill with everything. I must say I appreciate what you’ve done. Your reaction is one of the best reactions I’ve gotten over the years. So yeah, I felt like I needed to publically thank you. See, I’m not good with words so much here either so sorry for this being so rusty. You’re still pretty much amazing._

_I have no idea how many people will read this. I don’t sweat over it. I don’t particularly care. As long as I can write and I don’t get hate, I’m fine. In fact, the last week went surprisingly well. Lots of strange (but good) things happened and I’m happy. I didn’t think it’ll go this way and as I’m still very aware that most of you can’t and won’t accept me, I’m happy that there are at least a few of you who support me. And I feel like thanking you, open-minded people, because you’re great and you deserve more than you probably get. I adore you. I thought you should know this._

_I wish I could say more but nothing’s interesting happening – not in school and not in my life either. So I think I’m out._

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

He takes a seat at the desk in the back. It’s the only empty one and he finds it surprising that there are people sitting in the front. Then again, it’s only Music and people don’t hate Music that much. He hopes not to be disturbed because he should think of what to write next. Also what he’s going to give his cat to eat. The poor animal’s without food for fourteen hours already and Anne didn’t leave Harry enough cash to buy new food. He has to eat too, you know. He sighs and thinks how he should probably give her some leftovers when a hand taps his shoulder, almost barely, just enough to feel it. He looks up and almost gasps when there is Louis motherfucking Tomlinson towering over him with a shy small playing on his lips and fidgeting fingers gripping onto his books.

“Hi.” Louis breaths out and Harry tries his hardest not to squeal or do something as equally embarrassing. He doesn’t need that right now, not when Louis Tomlinson is talking to him. He’s quite sure he’s being pranked.

“Hi?” His greeting comes out more as a question than anything else. He sees that Louis is biting his lip, like he’s nervous, and looking down, a crimson colour rising up his cheeks. Did he just make Louis Tomlinson blush?

“Um, do you mind if I sit here?” At first, Harry thinks he didn’t hear him well but Louis keeps looking up, and he’s still biting his lip. And he looks so fucking adorable that Harry doesn’t know what the fuck to do. Because this is a bad idea and he should not let him but he’s cute and he’s adorable and Harry’s smitten so he nods frantically, trying not to pass out. Jesus fucking Christ.

Louis sits down and puts his books on the desk and there’s this small smile on his lips where only one corner of his lips is risen. Although, there’s a twinkle in his eyes and Harry’s not sure if it’s because he’s sitting with Harry, or because Harry will be embarrassed at any moment. He’s not sure how these things work. He’s never found himself in a situation where someone approached him – at least not in high school – and he’s still so fucking weird and he’s not good at communicating and he wishes Louis would just _talk._

But before Louis can say anything, Harry blurts out “Why are you doing this?” before he can even think it through or to even realize what he’s saying. He’s blushing after it, burning holes into the desk in front of him and he hates himself for being so stupid because you don’t ask that. That’s not how you start a conversation. Besides, he should feel _happy_ that Louis is talking to him. He’s wanted this all his life so why the fuck did he have to go and ruin it? Louis doesn’t seem mad though. He even laughs a little and that smile on his face gets bigger, brighter, and Harry’s certainly not, not infatuated by it and it’s not the most beautiful smile he has ever seen. He’s not that much of a sap.

“Well, um, I don’t know? I just always wanted to but was never brave enough?” Harry’s head shots up and this reminds him too much of a conversation that they’ve had over the e-mails. That can’t be true though. He’s probably sat here just because he feels pity for him. Yeah, that’s it.

“Brave to do what? Sit with me? I’m finding it hard to believe it.” He snorts and shakes his head. Louis should stop pretending. He’s not fooling anyone and instead of talking to him, he should find his Prince Charming and try that one. Harry doesn’t exactly know what has gotten into him. Louis raises his eyebrows in disbelief and he looks baffled all of the sudden and Harry doesn’t understand why.

“Why wouldn’t you believe it? I’m not lying. I was terrified to approach to you earlier because you’re almost always alone or hanging with that Liam guy and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to have any new friends or if you were a loner type of a guy. Which, if you are, it’s fine really. You can tell me to go away. I won’t be offended.” He’s babbling. Harry’s trying to stifle his laughter but it’s hard so when he bursts out laughing it’s loud and it takes Louis by surprise. Soon after that though, Louis’ joining him and they’re laughing like they never laughed before in their lives. People are watching them but they don’t care and it’s great, it’s so great, that Harry can’t believe any of this is happening. Maybe he’s living one of his dreams again but the desk is firm and Louis’ smell is wrapping around him like a cotton so it can’t be a dream. It just can’t. Harry won’t let it be.

“Okay, okay, I believe you yeah. But I’m sure as hell not the loner type.” He shrugs. “It’s just that not a lot of people wants to be friends with a nerd. It’s a normal occurrence.” He pushes his glasses up his nose because they fell off while they were laughing. Harry feels so good that he doesn’t even care if he sounds and looks like a hopeless fool.

“Well, I find you quite interesting.” And an enormous grin turns into that little smile again and Harry loves it so much he wants to tuck it and keep it. What’s wrong with him? He’s acting like a fucking idiot and he’s not an idiot, definitely not for Louis. He hates himself, he really does.

“Thank you.” It’s more of a whisper and they stare at each other before teacher calls out for a class. Harry tries not to ponder it much because it can’t possibly be true. It’s impossible.

*

Louis’ almost always there after that. He starts to hang around Harry every day. He jokes all the time and his eyes crinkle every time he laughs and he listens to Harry like he’s the most interesting thing in the whole world. His answer are witty but smart and Harry’s so, so gone he can’t even admit it. There are touches, too. Never anything too obvious, just enough for Harry to notice. A brush of their hands, a hand on his biceps or thighs, sometimes a head on his shoulder, even if only for a few seconds. And Harry sees the signs. He’s not stupid. He knows when a guy likes him but he can’t comprehend the fact that it’s _Louis._ It’s Louis Tomlinson that may or may not have a crush on him and when did this become his life? Even when Louis talked about ‘that guy’, Harry didn’t expect it to be him.

It doesn’t make sense. He’s never caught Louis looking at him or doing anything that could show his crush. Well, not until recently. Harry doesn’t know what to make out of it. He knows Louis needs his time and if Harry’s not completely, utterly delusional, he’ll wait. He’d ponder this every night, trying to think of what to do and how to react when something happens and what he should do. His crush on Louis has lasted for too long now and it still didn’t go away and he knows it won’t, so fighting seems pointless. He should know already. He’s been fantasizing about it since he was a kid so he doesn’t understand why he’s terrified – why he’s so scared of everything. Maybe he’s more scared about the fact that he may be wrong and there’s still someone else Louis likes. But he knows there’s that other part, too. He’s never been in a relationship and he doesn’t know how that works and maybe it’s still early to think about it but he can’t help it so he ponders it every night and half of a day and he still doesn’t get the answer.

 

_Hey there!_

_HS here again. I think it’s fair of me to let you know every week that I’m alive because you never know. Anything could happen. You know, just like that Ellie Goulding song. I love that girl. She’s fantastic. Anyhow, there’s a rumour going on that my real identity is Niall Horan which, like, why would you even think that? I’m almost too certain he does not have a crush on his best friend_ and _that he’s gay. In fact, I’m quite sure he’d be pissed if any of you thought so. He did show me in the locker many times already so to expect him to be me is a bit terrifying, to be honest. I’d be afraid for his sanity, if that was the case. If you’re really that desperate to find out who I am, I advise you to think of a person you’d never expect to be me. You’re probably close then. And if you really do find out, I’ll congratulate you in person. Maybe even buy you a gift – if you won’t be a prick about it, that is. Most people are pricks about me so I take everything personal. That’s most likely not good but people give me a reason to._

_On the other news, Eleanor has been caught crying two days ago. I just want to say I’m sorry because I feel like she needs it. It’ll all work out fine eventually. You’ll find a love of your life already. You’re still young. And I still think you’re gorgeous. That must be a good thing, right? You’re also one of the sweetest persons I’ve met. It’d be nice to know you better someday. You seem like a great girl._

_See people? I can be nice to people who are nice to me. If you’re being a twat though, there’s a chance I’ll hate you forever and bash out on you here. I don’t know what seems more appealing to you. It’s your choice. Once again, Eleanor Calder, hold your head up high!_

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

It happens the day that Harry stays in school longer than planned. His sociology teacher needs help with sorting out the tests and whole bunch of papers so he invites Harry to stay after school. It’s because Harry’s, as he nicely put it, “the only person I can trust. Will you please help me with it?”, and who’s Harry to say no? It’d be rude and Harry’s never rude. It’s not him, no matter if he’s at the club or in school. Sometimes he can bash on people but that’s as far as it gets. So he smiles and nods a bit too enthusiastically because he can’t come up with a nicer respond.

It takes an hour and Harry’s exhausted more than he was before. His teacher gives him an A though, so he makes sure not to complain. He shakes hands with the teacher and then he can finally breathe. There are definitions and thoughts and grades swimming in his head and he thinks he’s about to explode. He’s not sure how teachers do it. He’d go mad if he had to do something like this every day of every week. It’s fucking ridiculous.

He leans against his locker, closing his eyes just for a second, trying to get his mind back in order. Before he opens his eyes, he hears the familiar voice. He tries not to smile. “Harry!” Louis’s excited and when Harry opens his eyes, he sees a wet hair and a huge grin and a gym bag thrown over his shoulder. He’s completely forgotten that Louis had a practice and that makes him feel like a bad friend. Nobody could blame him though. School is too fucking tiring.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks as he gets closer, his grin never dropping, his eager footsteps never slowing down. Harry likes him the best like this. He likes an excited and happy Louis and he wishes Louis would be like that every time he sees him. The truth is, Harry wants to see him too much in many, _many_ ways.

“The sociology teacher asked for my help with some papers. I wish I’ve never agreed to it.” He grumbles and looks down at his shoes but Louis chuckles and he sees him shaking his head from the corner of his eye. He’s beautiful.

“You’re too good for your own good, you know?” There’s an affection in his voice and Harry’s gone. He really fucking is and fuck, there’s no getting out of this. There never will be. He’s not sure if he likes it or not.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He shrugs and looks up. Louis’ looking at him with that smile and those blue, blue eyes and Harry wants to kiss him so badly. But he’s not sure what Louis wants and he’s afraid but he wishes he’s braver.

He doesn’t have to think much anymore though, because Louis is grabbing him by his collar, pulling him down and kissing him so softly that Harry’s sure he’s going to melt right there. It’s just a press of the lips and Harry wants to keep it that way because he’s sure Louis thinks he doesn’t have much experience. But there’s a burning want inside of him that he’s not sure he can keep it there now. So he grabs Louis’ hips and presses their lips harder, making Louis let out a surprised yelp. Harry’s satisfied. He moves his lips slowly, not quite sure if that’s what Louis wants. But then there are hands around his neck and a body moving closer and closer and the lips moving with his own more urgently. They stay like that for a while, just kissing. It feels right, like that, and Harry’s not sure what to make out of it. He’s not sure what Louis wants but he doesn’t care at the moment because it’s Louis’ lips that are pressed against his own and it’s all he has ever wanted.

 

There’s not a discussion about it – not a big one at least. Louis says, almost shyly, that he’s gay and that he likes Harry very much so and after that, they just keep kissing. It’s good. Harry likes it. He likes it when Louis texts him in the middle of the class, asking him to come outside immediately. So he’d ask for a permission to go to the loo and nobody would suspect anything. He’s a good student after all, who’s never done anything bad so it’s easy. He’d slip outside and Louis would be waiting for him. Then he’d drag him in janitor’s closet or some similar place and attacked his lips like they’ve never kissed before. Sometimes they’ll stay there for a couple of minutes and sometimes the whole period would pass before they parted. The same thing would happen on a lunch break.

The third day they go to the bathroom that’s rarely used and Louis sits on a sink while Harry positions himself between his legs and their lips can’t meet fast enough. Harry’s hands are holding him by his hips while Louis wraps his legs around Harry and pulls Harry as close as he can. Harry likes how urgent Louis is. He likes they way he kisses him. He likes the way his hands feel around his neck, likes his legs wrapped around him. He likes Louis – always did – but this is the whole new level and Harry didn’t expect it. It’s all new and a bit exciting and Harry loves it. Maybe having Louis around for a while wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe a relationship doesn’t mean the end of a world as well.

“Be my boyfriend?” He whispers against Louis’ lips and he surprises himself with how bold he sounds. This is not like him but he’s not like himself most of the time when it comes to Louis. Louis pulls away and looks him in the eyes right before smiling.  
  
“With pleasure.” And he kisses him again and yeah, Louis is his boyfriend now so he smiles into the kiss and kisses him just a bit more passionately.

 

_Hiiiiii, students of McKinney High!_

_How are you on this lovely day? I’m amazing, thank you very much for asking. And would you look at that! Now it’s not sex that’s the cause of it. Yes, I know it’s a bit hard to believe. I swear I’m not lying though! My life is so great right now, that I can’t even explain it to you how happy I am. You should be jealous. I think it doesn’t get better than this. There’s literally no chance. Okay, okay, I’ll stop rubbing my luck into your faces, especially if some of you are having a bad day. I’m not that much of a prick – or I hope I’m not. LP can confirm you that fact though. Right, LP?_

_In the McKinney world, there’s drama going on about why Perrie didn’t hit Danielle when she had a chance. I don’t see a point in punching. All Danielle said was that Perrie’s hair looks weird which is not a reason for punches. She could’ve meant it in a good way, you know? Of course, if she didn’t say Perrie’s only fucking Zayn Malik for money, everything could’ve been taken in a good way. Low, Danielle, that was low. I don’t know what Perrie did to you. She’s a sweetheart, you’re kind of being a bitch. My advice? Think before you go and say something like that because the same thing could’ve been said to you. Now,_ that’s _a reason for punches. Scratch everything I said about that before, I was only trying to be rational, which didn’t work out so well, as you can see. Thank you, Zayn Malik, for coming there and screaming into the bitch’s face. It was a refreshing sight to see. Next time, Perrie, don’t be a sweetheart._

_It was amusing to watch it from the side though. And when it comes to my identity, you’re still not even close enough. Your theories are really something. You have to try harder. Told you it wasn’t easy as you thought it’ll be. Good luck! (Or not.)_

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, HS_

Louis finds out how he looks like to the outside world one bright shiny Saturday afternoon – and it’s all Harry’s decision. It’s when Louis says he’d like to see him that it hits Harry that Louis has only ever seen him in school, even though they’re dating for two weeks. So he says that he should come over and tells his mum his plan. She agrees that it’s a smart idea and says to Harry to be upstairs. He puts a beanie on his head, puts glasses on just so Louis wouldn’t be confused and dresses in a T-shirt and puts a comfy sweater on himself just to let Louis get used to it first. His curls are hidden behind his beanie and he feels very weird like this. Only ever Liam saw him like this, at least when it comes to people from school, and he doesn’t know what to expect. Besides, Louis’ his _boyfriend._ What if he thinks that Harry should’ve showed him how he looks like a long time ago? All in all, Harry’s scared, even though he’s hoping like crazy that Louis will be ecstatic.

He’s sitting on his bed when the bell rings. He’s gripping his fingers unconsciously and his hands are sweaty and he wishes it’d all go faster. He hears his mother’s greetings and hears Louis’ happy, carefree voice and Jesus, he’s so scared that he’s sure his heart is going to burst out of his chest. There are footsteps and then there’s a voice saying “Harry?” and Harry can barely whisper a “Yes?” because he’s throat is closing up and he can’t fucking speak.

The door opens and Louis steps into the room, all bright smiles and crinkly eyes and Harry loves it so much he wants to get off his bed and kiss him right then and there. But he can’t because there’s a secret to be told and shit, he doesn’t even know how to fucking begin. Louis closes the door and takes a step closer.

“Harry?” He asks, sounding concerned and Harry looks up. He’s quite sure he looks terrified but he can’t be anything else because he’s never needed to do something like this. It’s so new and unknown and he doesn’t know what to expect and shit. He’s going to start to show how freaked out he really is. He doesn’t need Louis to see that. “What’s wrong?” Yeah, it’s all over his face and okay, he should just get it over with. It can’t be that hard, right? He can do it, yeah he can.

“I have to show you something.” His voice is quiet and it’s trembling a bit and he wishes Louis can’t feel it because that smile is not there anymore and he never wants it gone. So he takes a deep breath and takes of his glasses first. His vision is blurry but he can still see Louis and that’s all that matters. He’ll put on the contacts later. Then, he takes his sweater in his hands and pulls it up. The beanie falls off in a meantime and it’s all there. He closes his eyes just so he wouldn’t see Louis reaction. He feels exposed, almost naked. He can feel Louis’ eyes on him, watching him. He tries not to feel self-conscious because he _knows_ how he looks and he knows he doesn’t look bad. It’s just that it’s _Louis_ and what if he hates him like this – or hates him for not telling him?

He can hear the shuffling and then there’s the other body on his bed and then there are hands on the both side of his face. He opens his eyes.

Louis’s smiling at him. His eyes are warm and there’s a glint in them and he looks a bit mesmerized and a bit surprised and a bit happy. And Harry thinks he never looked more beautiful. Is that because of him? Could he be a reason?

“You’re even more gorgeous.” He whispers and kisses him softly, agonisingly slowly, but Harry likes that, thinks it fits the moment. Thinks Louis is kind of perfect, thinks he wants him to stay.

“Thank you.” He whispers back and they are smiling into the kiss and they probably look like idiots but Harry doesn’t particularly care because it’s Louis and being idiots with Louis isn’t all that bad. In fact, it’s not bad at all.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you were writing all those columns as well, you know.” Harry almost chokes because he doesn’t expect that but before he can say anything, he’s laughing, all loud and clear. He can’t help himself because Louis just said the truth without even knowing it and he thinks he adores this boy just a little bit more and yeah, he’s going to keep him.

“Actually, I am.” Then Louis’s laughing with him and they are giggling for a while because it’s ridiculous and they are ridiculous but they’d never change it and shit, Harry’s in love with this boy but he doesn’t care because being in love with Louis is all kinds of wonderful. Yeah, he’s going to stay with him for a while. Maybe forever.

 

_Hiiiii,_

_I’d ask you how you’re doing but nobody ever answers me so I’ll just stop trying. I think you still have to know how great my life is at the moment. I’d like to rub it in everyone’s faces but that’s still mean, right? And I’m not a mean person, I swear I’m not. I just like to say what I think but I can only do it in my writings, I think. I’m too shy in person to do so. This is my escape and it’s great. I love writing but you’ll never find me writing in a class. I hide myself from you, from everyone. I’m this quiet kid in the back of a class that you’d never guess is writing this. I’m this kid who gets laughed at and pushed everyday. I’m this kid behind big glasses and preppy clothes that hides so much more underneath. I’m that kid who would go out in Manchester every weekend to find someone to feel satisfied but now that he’s found someone to love, he doesn’t feel the need to go again. I’m the kid in love with an idiot and I’m the kid that loves that idiot more than anything else in the world. I’m that kid that still doesn’t believe he’s found love and backtracks every day just to believe it’s real._

_I’m a nerd in school, I’m the gay one, the one who has only one friend. I’m the one who goes unnoticed for the half of a day and the one that lives his fullest when he can. I’m the one who sees good in people, even when they are being the cruellest to me. You’ll find me in your school easily, you just have to look. I’m here, hidden in a plain sight. You don’t like me but I don’t care. There’s one person that loves me for who I am and that’s enough. It shouldn’t be that hard to find out who I am now._

_Till the next time,_

_Yours truly, Harry Styles_


End file.
